What is the definitive metric by which a Jew is a Jew?

A Jew is one with is a descendant from those genetically dark skinned persons with frizzy hair, short stubby nose and biggish lips who left Egypt with Moses and Aaron from Egypt. And in this respect Moses did not look like Charlton Heston - white of skin, big nose, curly long hair and thin of lips.

They convened on the plains of Mt. Sinai and waited 40 days and nights for Moses who had gone up Mt. Sinai to be with JWH. 

And in the time that lapsed, these genetically dark skinned people reverted to their ancestral worship of Apis, the Egyptian male cow God.

And when Moses finally came down from the top of the volcano of Mt. Sinai to find his followers debauching with  their ancient bull worship, he lost it. He broke the tablets upon which JWH had written his 10 commandments and ordered the killing of some 50,000 of them.

When JWH was mollified he then redid the 2 tablets of the 10 Commandments that Moses broke and then he made a promise, i.e. a Divine Covenant with  them that:
     1.     they nipped off their prepuce
     2.     they obeyed his laws
he would take them to and give them the land of milk and honey and care for them.

However, for certain offenses he punished them to wander 40 year in the empty quarter Saudi Arabia. 

These people and their descendants are the REAL JEWS. They are REAL JEWS because they are;
     1.     genetically dark skinned, frizzy haired, stubby nose and 
             biggish thick lips
     2.     their prepuce are nipped
     3.     they have a covenant with JWH.

It is for this that Abraham is not a REAL JEW.
He is light brown, long haired, has a Caucasian nose, thin lipped, has his prepuce intact and JWH never promised him a place in the promised land.

Therefore, CONVERT JEWS are not REAL JEWS.

It is for this that the descendants of Khazarians who converted to Judaism are also not REAL JEWS because;
     1.     they are white of skin, blue eyed, blond of hair with non 
             thick lips and they do not have stubby noses.          
     2.     JWH never personally struck a bargain with them, to wit
             at his demand they nip off their prepuces and he never 
             personally gave to them his 10 Commandments. 

All convert Jews may like to think that they are REAL JEWS as the Reform Jews fancy that they are. But:

 http://www.aljazeera.com/news/2015/08/outrage-israeli-politician-reform-jew-comment-150804142326264.html

 
I do not mean disrespect, but when JWH comes at the end times, people may claim that they are REAL JEWS, but we know that YWH will tell them:
      1.     you do not like the ones I Covented with
      2.     and i know I certainly did not give your representative the                10 Commandments
      3.     for these same reasons, Abraham himself has never 
              claimed that he was a REAL JEW.

However, if in the Hebrew faith, CONVERT JEWS attain their spiritual fulfillment, I truly respect the path they have chosen.